- Happiness, Parenting, Resilience
7 Calming Phrases that Actually Work When Your Child is Struggling
What to Say When Kids Feel Like Giving Up
Picture this: your 11-year-old daughter walks through the door after school, head low, eyes brimming. She drops her bag and crumples onto the couch.
“I forgot my lines,” she whispers, face flushed. “In front of everyone. I messed everything up. I’m so stupid.”
Your instinct might be to fix it—“It’s okay!” or “You’ll do better next time!”
But what if you tried something different? What if you sat beside her, placed a gentle hand on her back, and said:
“That was really hard. And it’s okay to feel upset. I’m here.”
She might not stop crying right away, but something inside her softens. She feels seen. And that moment becomes more than comfort—it becomes a lesson in how to speak gently to herself.
When Kids Turn Frustration Inward
We’ve all heard those heartbreaking words:
“I ruin everything.”
“I’ll never get it right.”
“I’m the worst at this.”
Children often blame themselves when things go wrong. As adults, our instinct is to jump in, reassure, or correct. But what they truly need at that moment isn’t a fix—it’s co-regulation. That means showing calm when they can’t find their own. It means offering language that validates their experience and gently guides them back toward safety and self-kindness.
This is how we teach them to weather hard feelings—not with fear or shame, but with resilience.
7 Calming Phrases That Actually Work
Each of these phrases is short, powerful, and backed by research on emotional regulation and self-compassion. They help kids feel seen, soothed, and supported.
1. “It’s okay to feel this. I’m here with you.”
Validates emotions without rushing them. Creates safety through presence (Siegel, 2010).
2. “You’re not alone. Everyone struggles sometimes. I do too.”
Reinforces common humanity. Reduces isolation and shame (Neff, 2011).
3. “Try talking to yourself like you’d talk to a friend.”
Encourages empathy turned inward. Builds a kinder inner voice (Bluth et al., 2016).
4. “Mistakes happen. They’re how we learn and grow.”
Normalises setbacks. Promotes a growth mindset (Dweck, 2006).
5. “This moment feels big, but it’s not everything.”
Helps zoom out. Reminds them they are more than now (Neff & Germer, 2013).
6. “This doesn’t change who you are inside.”
Affirms identity. Protects self-worth in hard moments (Inwood & Ferrari, 2018).
7. “Let’s slow down and figure out what you need.”
Fosters emotional awareness. Models healthy coping strategies (Kelly & Dupasquier, 2016).
Why These Words Matter
Simple as they seem, these phrases help rewire the brain. When kids feel calm connection during emotional distress, their brains release oxytocin and activate what psychologists call the “safeness system”—reducing stress and supporting long-term resilience (Gilbert, 2009).
Over time, responses like these help children develop adaptive emotional regulation strategies. Research shows that self-compassion is linked to better mental health, lower anxiety, and even stronger academic performance (Bluth et al., 2016; Inwood & Ferrari, 2018).
Self-compassion isn’t about letting kids off the hook. It’s about giving them the tools to learn, grow, and recover without drowning in shame.
A Shared Responsibility: For Parents, Educators, and Carers
We don’t have to be perfect. What matters is that we show up—with steadiness, warmth, and openness.
Together, as parents, carers, and educators, we share the responsibility of helping children develop their inner voice. One that’s kind, not critical. One that says, “I’m allowed to feel, and I’m still okay.”
Every time we offer calm words in hard moments, we shape how children will speak to themselves in the future. And that might be the most lasting gift of all.
Looking for more tools like these?
Our Academic & Wellbeing Planner offers daily prompts, reflection space, and science-backed tools to help kids build confidence and emotional resilience—one day at a time.
References
Bluth, K., Gaylord, S. A., Campo, R. A., Mullarkey, M. C., & Hobbs, L. (2016). Making friends with yourself: A mixed methods pilot study of a mindful self-compassion program for adolescents. Mindfulness, 7(2), 479–492.
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House.
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. London: Constable & Robinson.
Inwood, E., & Ferrari, M. (2018). Mechanisms of change in the relationship between self-compassion, emotion regulation, and mental health: A systematic review. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, 10(2), 215–235.
Kelly, A. C., & Dupasquier, J. (2016). Social safeness and the regulation of positive and negative affect. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 23(6), 559–571.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow.
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self‐compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. New York: Random House.
We’re Here for You
Parenting tweens and teens isn’t always easy, but small steps can make a big difference. The Wisely & Co Academic & Wellbeing Planner is here to support your family every step of the way.
If you ever have questions, need advice, or just want to share your child’s progress, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at talktous@wiselyandco.com. We’re in this together, cheering for you and your amazing kids.
