- Happiness, Parenting, Resilience
Fitting In, Standing Out: How Belonging and Friendship Shape Teen Mental Health
For tweens and teens, friendships can feel like the centre of the universe. They shape how young people see themselves, how they cope, and how safe they feel in the world. Yet, in today’s hyperconnected but sometimes isolating culture, many adolescents quietly wonder: “Do I fit in?” or “Why don’t I have a best friend like everyone else?”
Across the world, research points to a simple truth: belonging and friendship quality are as vital to adolescent wellbeing as good nutrition or sleep. When young people feel accepted and have at least one reliable friend or group, their mental health thrives. When they don’t, anxiety, loneliness, and self-doubt can take hold.
Belonging Is the Foundation
Friendship Quality Matters More Than Quantity
Best Friend or Group? Both Can Work
Cultural expectations often celebrate the idea of having a “best friend”—one person who knows you best and stands by you. But not every teen has, or needs, a single best friend.
Some young people thrive in small, cohesive friendship groups, where support is shared and no one person carries all the emotional weight. Research shows that belonging to a stable, kind group can buffer against loneliness and social stress.
Others form a close one-to-one friendship that becomes a secure emotional anchor. Teens with strong best-friend relationships often report greater confidence and emotional stability, even years later.
The key is not the form but the function: whether the young person feels safe, valued, and understood.
For those who’ve recently moved schools or joined new communities, friendships naturally take time to form. It can be easy to compare yourself to others who already have established circles. Parents can help reframe this: connection is built through shared experiences and time, not instant chemistry. Everyone forms friendships at different rates – and that’s completely normal. Some bonds spark quickly, while others develop gradually through trust and familiarity. Both parts are equally valid and both can lead to lasting, meaniungful connection.
Helping Teens Who Feel They Don’t Fit In
When a young person says, “Everyone already has a group,” or “I don’t have a best friend,” it’s tempting for parents to rush in and try to solve it. But psychologists emphasise that empathy, gentle guidance, and steady encouragement go much further.
1. Normalise the experience
Reassure your teen that friendship takes time. Many people feel socially “out of sync” in early adolescence—especially after moving schools or as peer groups shift. Feeling like an outsider is usually temporary.
“Lots of people take time to find their people—especially in new schools. Friendships aren’t built in a day; they grow slowly.”
2. Encourage joining, not waiting
Help them take small social risks: joining a club, volunteering, or simply sitting with new classmates. Friendships often grow from proximity and shared interests, not from big, planned gestures.
“Who seems friendly or shares your interests? Let’s find one way to connect this week—maybe a club, a game, or an activity you enjoy.”
3. Support low-pressure social moments
Remind them that closeness doesn’t come from dramatic “best friend” moments—it comes from consistent, everyday interactions.
“You don’t need a best friend right away. Try starting with small things—say hi, ask about homework, or invite someone to sit with you.”
4. Talk about different friendship timelines
Some teens make friends quickly; others need more time to build trust or find shared values. Both paths are normal.
“Everyone forms friendships at a different pace. Some people click instantly, and others grow close slowly over time. The slower ones can actually become the strongest.”
You might share a personal example of a friendship that developed gradually—showing that “instant chemistry” isn’t the only sign of a real bond.
5. Model openness
When parents share how they maintain or rebuild their own friendships, teens learn that connection takes work and vulnerability.
6. Protect against toxic dynamics
If a teen’s social group involves gossip, exclusion, or constant tension, help them evaluate it safely.
“After you hang out with them, do you feel more like yourself—or less?”
Encourage them to invest in relationships that leave them feeling lighter, not smaller.
Scripts for Connection
When your teen feels left out:
“It’s okay to be sad about this. Feeling left out doesn’t mean you’re unlikable—it just means you haven’t found the right circle yet.”
When they say, ‘I don’t have anyone’:
“Who’s one person you could start with? Friendship often starts small—a classmate, a teammate, someone who makes you laugh.”
When they compare themselves:
“Everyone’s social timeline is different. Some people click quickly; others find their best people later—but those friendships often last longer.”
The Role of Digital Connection
Online communities can offer belonging—especially for teens who are shy, new to a school, or exploring specific interests. Digital friendships can provide real emotional support, but they don’t always replace the benefits of face-to-face interaction.
In-person connections provide the physiological and emotional regulation that online exchanges can’t fully replicate—shared laughter, eye contact, and spontaneous empathy all help reduce stress and strengthen resilience.
Encourage your teen to use online connections as a bridge, not a substitute:
“It’s great that you connect with people online. Let’s think about how to bring some of that connection offline, too.”
When to Worry
If your child expresses ongoing hopelessness—“No one will ever like me”—avoids school, or withdraws from both online and offline life, it may be time to seek support from a school counsellor or mental health professional.
Therapies such as cognitive-behavioural techniques and social skills training can rebuild confidence, help teens interpret social cues more accurately, and strengthen their sense of belonging.
Teens don’t need dozens of friends to be happy—they need a few good, reliable connections and adults who remind them that friendship grows over time.
We’re Here for You
Parenting tweens and teens isn’t always easy, but small steps can make a big difference. The Wisely Planner is here to support your family every step of the way.
If you ever have questions, need advice, or just want to share your child’s progress, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at hello@wiselyandco.com. We’re in this together, cheering for you and your amazing kids.
References
Allen, K.A. et al. (2021) ‘Adolescent belonging and mental health: A meta-analysis’, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 50(6), pp. 1129–1144.
Allen, J.P., Porter, M.R., McFarland, F.C., Marsh, P. and McElhaney, K.B. (2015) ‘The relation of attachment security to adolescents’ social competence and depression across the transition to high school’, Child Development, 86(3), pp. 1038–1053.
Asselmann, E. et al. (2020) ‘Resilient functioning in adolescence and the role of friendship quality’, Journal of Adolescence, 82, pp. 30–42.
Bagwell, C.L. and Schmidt, M.E. (2011) Friendships in Childhood and Adolescence. New York: Guilford Press.
Beck, A.T. and Dozois, D.J.A. (2011) Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond, 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.
Dewaele, S., Van Ouytsel, J. and Walrave, M. (2024) ‘Online friendships and adolescent wellbeing: A systematic review’, Computers in Human Behavior Reports, 9, 100239.
Haugan, G., Moksnes, U.K. and Espnes, G.A. (2022) ‘Loneliness, self-esteem and life satisfaction among Norwegian adolescents’, BMC Psychology, 10(1), 112.
Jose, P.E. et al. (2022) ‘Multiple contexts of belonging and adolescent wellbeing’, Journal of Adolescence, 94, pp. 65–77.
Orben, A. et al. (2025) ‘Adolescents with mental health conditions use social media differently than their peers’, Cambridge University Research News, April.
Parker, J.G., Rubin, K.H. and Erath, S.A. (2023) Peer Relationships and Adjustment in Adolescence. New York: Routledge.
Rubin, K.H. et al. (2020) Social and Emotional Development: Building Secure Friendships in Adolescence. New York: Springer.
